20 THINGS MEN SHOULD NOT DO ON A FIRST DATE
Combining past experiences I have had in the dating scene with stories told to me by some of my girlfriends I came up with this list of the top 20 things a man should NOT do when taking us on a first date. Starting with the top answer I received, here is the list of those things he would do that will have us ignoring his phone calls later.
(I have changed names in order to protect privacy of friends and ex dates)
Jessica: “I was having an amazing dinner with this guy that I was really starting to like. The conversation went well and there was definitely a connection…until we left the restaurant and he walked me to my car. He grabbed me and started kissing me in a very forceful way. It was not a sweet, reciprocated first date kiss. It was the total opposite and in an instant that aggressiveness completely turned me off.”
There is a time for everything. Being too touchy on the first date only shows that the person is desperate. It can be very uncomfortable. We are just getting to know you and for most of us, it is more about finding out who you are than to feeling your hands (or tongue) all over us.
Having sex on the first date has worked for some couples but in the majority of the cases it is the end of what has not even started. We could easily be left with this thought: Is this what he does with every woman he asks out?
Aside from physical aggressiveness there is also the one that could happen during conversation. Asking too many personal questions on a first date can also make us feel uncomfortable. As I said, there is a time for everything and topics during a first date should be kept light and simple.
Getting to know a girl should be the reason why she is being taken out on a date. So, it is pretty much common sense that the cellphone should be put away by both parties.
LESLIE: “I once went out with a guy who had me ask for a table while he ran out to the parking lot to go get his cellphone. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt thinking he did not want it stolen from his car, but as the night went on, every minute was worse than the one before. He had his cellphone on the table the whole time, constantly checking it, texting and even changing his Facebook status a couple of times. I was tempted to do the same and change it to SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS HORRIBLE DATE! (Tagging his name along with the status update).”
Put that phone away and focus on your date. Enough said. This actually goes beyond dates. When you have someone in front of you, try to stay away from playing with your cell.
3. LOCATION LOCATION
Taking your date out to a loud place where you cannot hear each other is a bad idea. If going out dancing or to a concert is your idea of a great date night, make sure there is some quiet time prior to the party scene. We want to get to know you before anything else and this is why we accepted your invitation. This guy Antonio who I was very much attracted to asked me out and it was fine with me that he chose a local club that played great live music. I knew this place had a patio area where we could sit and talk. It was not the ideal place for a first date but I was open to going out with him. We had a good conversation even with the music coming from the room next door and with all the distractions that came from all the people walking around us. But, I cannot say that it was the best date as it was pretty noisy and uncomfortable to carry on a conversation.
Going to the movies is one of the top invitations I have received when asked out by a man. It is also my first no-no as to where I prefer to go. You spend two hours of your date on complete silence, watching a movie that you might like but then, you might also hate. And there goes that date. I got to know your lousy choice of movies and absolutely nothing else about you. Movies are good for couples that have already passed those first dates.
With the intention of making himself look good a man might tend to talk too much about what he has, or pretends to have. Showing off your expensive car, jet, villa in Europe, the condo in Miami or the yacht at the nearest marina will not impress us that much. Even if he has all of these, there is a way and a time to let us know. On our first date we just want to know who you are, not everything you possess. When the conversation turns more into a pitch for us to choose you as our man, only two things can happen: The woman will date you only for your possessions or you will not hear from her again.
Also, keep all your personal details for later. Saying too much or too soon can scare anyone away. Make it a dialogue and not a monologue.
5. THE WANDERING EYE
MONICA: “I was sitting at this bar with someone I was really into. It was our first time out together after getting to know each other through phone conversations and social gatherings. There was a connection there and we both knew that we liked each other. We walked into a bar to grab some drinks and dinner as we wanted to keep it more casual than a sit down fancy dinner date. Twenty minutes into the date I lost his eyes. As girls came in and walked by us, they took his eyes with them. It is acceptable to admire a beautiful girl that walks by, but to stare at each and every girl that walks by, not so. I kept it cool, ordered myself the most expensive wine and excused myself because I was “tired” and wanted to go home. Let me call this: “I have an early meeting tomorrow morning.” Talk about a clueless man as he kept calling me to ask me out. I did not waste my time giving him excuses or telling him why I was turned off by him. I simply told him I was not interested. He had been very rude and disrespectful and didn’t even notice. But, that was his problem, not mine. My eye ended up wandering all the way to the man I married and now call my husband.”
6. DRINKING TO GET DRUNK
Having a glass of wine or a drink is a great way to chill out the nervousness that comes with first dates. Overdoing it is the best way to kill the possibilities of a second. Although this article is focused on what men should NOT do on a first date, the wrongdoing on getting drunk on this first outing goes for both men and women.
The same way we take the time to get ready and prep up, men should do the same.
SOFIA: “I was once asked to dinner and got all dressed up only to open the door to a man wearing sneakers, ripped jeans, an overly washed t-shirt and a jacket that appeared to belong to a man three sizes bigger than his. I was terrified. Men should make that extra effort the same way that we do.
Smell is also very important. Make sure that you wear a good cologne without overdoing the amount of sprays. Have some breathe mints on you just in case. Clean up the car before you pick her up. These to do’s before you leave the house are simple but trust me, we do notice.
8. MAKING IT A GROUP DATE
Although it was our second date, being that we had not seen each other for some time because of some traveling for work, I was excited to meet up with Ricardo. We had been communicating via phone and email and were very excited to see each other again. I drove to his place and got into his car for our dinner date, only to find that my seat was in the back. He had two other people in the car and on our drive to the restaurant I felt I was in a business meeting rather than that date that we were supposed to be having. And this business-date-meeting lasted for two hours where my disappointment levels increased by the minute.
Taking a girl out on what is supposed to be a date and inviting other people without prior discussion should never happen. The only way it could be acceptable is if both of you talk about it and it is okay with her. Still, this situation on a first date is not the way to go as the plan of getting to know one another will be disrupted. It is a time where you should remember: Not open for Business!
Being rude to people does not make you more manly.
ROSE: “I was finally asked out by Fernando. There were so many things I liked about him just by what I have heard from other people and the brief times we had hung out at social events. He picked me up and my heart was beating like crazy. He smelled so good and looked great! We went to a beautiful sushi restaurant that I had wanted to go for months. Every little thing he did and said to me was perfect and my heart was very content. It was one of those situations where everything just flowed in perfect symmetry. And then came the waitress. I had never felt this embarrassed in my life. The poor lady was being treated in the worst possible way by my date. From the moment she came to our table to the moment we left, he made this woman’s time miserable. The way he spoke to her and made her feel less important than us was unbearable. As we walked out to leave, I went back into the restaurant pretending I had to visit the restroom. I just wanted to talk to her. I apologized for what had just happened and for my horrible taste in men. This was obviously the first and last time I went out with him.”
No matter who you are there is no need to be rude to others, especially someone who is there to serve you.
This one goes hand in hand with being rude to people. Talking bad about others while on a date shows lack of sensitivity. If you are upset at a friend or relative, keep it to yourself but don’t take your first date as a venting session. Who wants to be around a person that is full of complaints and pessimistic behavior? It leads us to believe that you are weak and carry too much emotional drama.
11. THE EX FACTOR
First dates are an opportunity to see if there is a romantic connection with someone you already started to like. It is in present time and the two should take the opportunity to find out if there is a chance. Don’t think too much about the future. Analyzing if this is the woman/man that you want to marry and have children with is putting too much pressure on the other person and yourself. Bringing the past to the table is also a way of creating tension.
One of the biggest turn offs is when a man you are out with tells you that he just broke up with his girlfriend. Who wants to feel that they are on the rebound seat? Although some women want to know why it did not work out with your ex, a first date is not the right moment. We do not want to hear it in that precise moment when the focus should be on each other. Asking about our ex’s it is not the way to go either. It is a waste of time on both parts if the discussion on the past relationships takes place, at least on your first night going out.
12. ONLINE FAKERS
LAURA: “We met on a dating website. I was very much into this man that I met online and shared great connection with. We finally set up a date to meet at a local coffee shop. Some people photograph very different from what they actually look like. But then there is the person that knowingly puts a picture out there that was probably taken ten years ago just because he looked better at the time. And this was the case with my coffee shop date. Not only did he look completely different, but his height was way off from what his profile said. I saw him and just walked away. He didn’t even see me. What upset me the most was that he lied. It is not about not being attracted to the man I was looking at, it was the fact that he was not being honest right from the start. “
I am a big supporter of online dating. I know of happily married couples that met this way. Not everyone is into going out to clubs and bars, so trying to meet someone this way is a great way to put yourself out there and meet people. There should be no need in altering who you are to “impress” someone. You are blocking your own way to meet someone who will like you for who you are.
13. ZERO CONVERSATION
First date conversations can go two ways: A dialogue that flows without too much effort or one where you end up looking around for someone to come and save you. Being out with a boring person that has absolutely nothing to talk about is torture. Men that just sit there and look handsome will not cut it for us. It takes courage to ask a girl out. Therefore, leave the shyness at home and don’t be afraid to be yourself and speak out.
14. CHECK PLEASE
Okay. Before the men start throwing the “Times have changed and women are more independent,” card on me, let me be clear. It is fine to split the bill on dates, just not the first one or two. I know. Times are rough and like I said, things have changed throughout the years. But, on a FIRST date you guys should pick up the tab. Call me old-fashioned but this is the way it should be. It shows you are a gentleman and that you appreciate the time you just spent with her.
15. HANDS ON HER PLATE
As crazy as it sounds this does happen.
CLARISSA: “I will never forget when I went out with this guy and everything was going well until he took a piece of chicken from my plate. He wanted to try it and thought it was okay to grab it from my plate without even asking.”
So men, if you want to try something from her plate, just ask and I am sure it will be fine with her to put some on YOUR plate. You are not three years old anymore. I am laughing as I write this but unfortunately it has happened to more than one person that I know.
16. THE STALKER
This is the guy that knows everything about you. He has been on your online profiles and studied every single detail about your life. You go out on a date with him and it becomes creepy. Not only does he know about your hobbies, work, family and friends and makes sure that you know that, but then he says so by staring at you. Ahh!! Stalker mode on full blast mode.
He then agrees on everything you say, at times not even allowing you to finish your sentences. Men: Even if you have practiced the online Psycho 101 course on your date, don’t let her know that by telling her everything you found out when you googled her or whichever way you went to “stalk her”. It is completely and absolutely uncool and she will run away faster than you can say, “Please call me!!”
17. BAD TIME MANAGEMENT
You are not the only one out there asking us out. If you really like a girl and take that step and ask her out, respect that she does have a life. Being late without further notice is a no-no. Calling and setting up the date at the last minute might show that she was a last minute thought or simply the second choice. Cancelling more than once is also a sign that you are not taking this date too seriously. Be honest if something comes up and you cannot make it but if you do this a second time, don’t expect her to accept the next invitation.
Also, we do not want to be on a date in which you are constantly checking your watch. If you don’t want to be there, what was the whole point of asking her out. If you are not into her anymore and the date has not gone as planned, at least be decent and finish what you started. Her time is as valuable as yours. By now, she probably doesn’t want to be there either so finish up and let her go. She will thank you for that.
18. PROTECTING/OVER PROTECTING
As my friend Linda says, “Being rude or defensive when someone hits on you at the bar, or not being protective of you when someone is annoyingly hitting on you at the bar.” I love her statement! We want to feel protected, even if we are just friends.
19. NOT ESCORTING HER
Even if she drove herself to the date, men should escort their dates. Always make sure that they make it to their cars safely and a phone call to know she made it home safe is always a great way to end a date.
20. MIND GAMES
If the date went well, don’t be afraid to let her know. Ignore the three day “rule” and follow up. Dating is not easy, especially with all the social media sites. Some men rely on checking out your profile to see what you are up to instead of calling. If there was a spark and everything went well on your first date stop playing games and plan for a second.
LADIES: If dating a certain man is becoming too stressful, it is time to move on. Trust me when I say, there is always someone better out there and you know you found him when everything just feels right!
Love and Light,
You can also read this article on http://www.clubfashionista.com (January)
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